The First Christmas Tree

Good morning! I am sitting here, drinking my candy cane coffee staring at my beautifully sparkly tree (while Luna is attacking everything in sight). I spent all weekend at my grandparents baking cookies and doing christmasey things and now am in the full spirit.

I love christmas. Love it. Its my favourite holiday- the smells, the coziness…everything is red, my favourite colour.Its been hard the past couple of years with my parents & little bro being overseas. I usually tend to shuffle around and spend time at all my family’s & Andrew’s. Its been great because I’ve really gotten to see everyone on Christmas however, a little stressful at times living out of a suitcase and trying to remember everything!

When I was little I was always really nervous that Christmas would change. We moved a few times and it always gave me anxiety that my uncle Dave and Memere might not come and stay over for Christmas morning, and then everything would be different. Of course as a child (and teenager…) I saw none of the work that goes into it all- the getting to us and the hosting Christmas- but I do now. I see how special my family made the holiday for me…for everyone. I’m so grateful for all those memories- Dave sleeping on the couch in front of the tree, Memere’s great hugs, going to Grandma’s for a big dinner and playing with cousins- It was all hard work and I can’t even explain the gratitude I feel this time of year. Its like history shaking my heart and making it swell with happiness.  Its been difficult not hearing my Dad turn the coffee on at 4 am (my brother and I are hardcore Christmas morning kids) and walk around offering some to everyone. Its been difficult not having my Mama watch me open my stocking and waiting to open hers because she always always puts my brother and I first. But I still feel all those moments every year like it was the first time it was happening, and I’m so grateful to have first felt that love.

This year is different.This year I’m not traveling or scrounging around a suitcase for a gift I wrapped on the train or bus or car.

This year I have my own tree. Just got it yesterday. And it is the most beautiful thing (seriously, its full and fat and actually a perfect tree). And I have a whole bunch of new memories- Brian and Grandma helping me get it home, Luna trying to climb it, family coming to us and giving us old christmas ornaments and stocking and decorations (which is pure emotion to me because all of these items are like totems, they’ve been there every Christmas and are all filled up with the love that surrounded them). And again, more gratitude.

This holiday has never ever been about presents (okay maybe a little…) for me, its about history and nostalgia and being grateful for the people you have in your life. I am so thankful for my family and all they’ve done for me, and Andrew’s and my friends that have become my chosen family.

This is all that I see when I look at my first tree, pure and total gratitude.

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