I’ve just spent the day hiking and breathing in fresh air and sitting in quiet meditation and standing beside my best friend. So why have I just spent the past hour and a half in a puddle of tears?
I’ve been thinking a lot about dharma lately. A lot, a lot. Life purpose. What am I here for? What does my heart want to do? Everything ends this week. My Bachelor of Education and my Yoga Teacher Training. The yoga teacher training has taken me to places I didn’t even know existed. It has expanded my world in ways I can’t even put into a language. Each month, it is where my heart has sang and felt and moved deeper and laughed harder and felt more afraid and more free.
Finding my dharma has been a heavy lightness. I am drawn in and afraid to do so. I am taught and scared to share the teachings. I am afraid of my dharma but want to run to it wildly without reform. How can this be so? How can I be so fearful of a path that feels right? My purpose is to teach, it always has been. Since I was little and playing school with my younger brother. What I’m drawing closer to, is that I think my purpose lies in teaching yoga…and I’m not sure why I find that so frightening. Maybe for the same reason I’m drawn in- it is teaching right from the soul. Which comes with its own vulnerabilities and freedoms. Either way, I am on the edge of a cliff, terrified to leap into an ocean of self.
I’ve been watching this video over and over, listening to Mark Robberds as if his words are mantra I must hear/ repeat 108 times. “In that place of not knowing, in complete surrender, the colours of life are brighter and more beautiful than you can image.” I am working to make space for it all. For my heart to guide in purpose. For my heart to guide in self.
Andrew came in near the end of my fear induced dharma crying jag and we started talking about purpose. He said something along the lines of our real purpose being just to be. For it to be simply living and following what feels right (for someone who doesn’t practice yoga, he’s got a lot of yogi in him). I’ve been pushing myself for a plan, for a ‘this is how i’m going to be a yoga teacher, how I will fulfill my dharma’.
Its not about knowing or not knowing. Its not about fulfilling anything or finding a place in the world where you fit. its not about ‘making it happen’. Dharma is simply about following your hearts content. That comes with fear.
It also comes with love.
And yes, Ganesha and I working quite closely these days.
Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha.
Thank you Mark Robberds for these words. They have helped me immensely this past month.